Bloody Stupid Johnson

Johnson, Bergholt Stuttley, known as Bloody Stupid Johnson, is a landscape gardener and inventor in the Discworld.

Among his works are the organ of Unseen University (called the Mighty Organ by the Archchancellor, much to the displeasure of the staff), the organ at the Opera House, a bathroom at Unseen University, rediscovered by Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully, the Patrician's palace grounds and the Ankh-Morpork Post Office's mail sorter (also known as Bloody Stupid Johnson's New Pie).

His creative, almost post-modern approach to the size question distinguishes works like the Colossus of Morpork, The Hanging Gardens of Ankh and the Quirm Memorial (all pocket-sized) and the ornamental cruet set for Lord Snapcase (the size of a quite large building, and used for housing and grain-storage), and his sovereign disregard of mundane run-of-the-mill utility will assure him a prominent place in the history of architecture everywhere.

The fact that he continued to receive commissions after the defects in his abilities became apparent is considered to be the ultimate expression of the person comissioning the work being able to afford to waste money, being quite fashionable to have your house or garden 'Johnsoned'. This view of Johnson's abilities was not universal, however: it is believed that the town house of the Ramkin family - a rather pleasant old house with well-designed gardens - was never worked on by Johnson because he was shot in the leg by the then owner while walking up its drive one day.

It is unfortunate, nevertheless, that the general view of his abilities has resulted in his nickname. Some of his constructions do actually work well, even if they do have unexpected side effects and may, in fairness, not have been originally intended for the uses to which they are now put. For example, his large musical instruments are worthy of further study. The organ at the Opera House appears, unusually, simply to function as an organ; that in the Great Hall at Unseen University includes, besides the usual complement of more normal voices the less common ones of Thunderstorm, Whoopee Cushion, Squashed Toad and Squashed Rabbits. The latter organ has, in addition, the "terrae moteus" or earthquake pipe - although no-one is allowed to use it since the time it caused the Unseen University to move several inches on its foundations.

The Archchancellor's rooms at the Unseen University have the only known surviving example of a Johnson bathroom - a Patent 'Typhoon' Superior Indoor Ablutorium with Automatic Soap Dish. Again, this installation works well if used with care, but testers are cautioned against using the "Old Faithful" facility, and warned not to try the 'Musical Pipes' enhancement at all unless they are wearing full diving equipment - especially if any use is being made of the Unseen University organ at the time.